One of my college professors once pointed out in an evaluation how hard it was to read me. I didn’t necessarily take it as an insult, but something I’d not thought about myself before that point. I didn’t purposely hide from people, but subconsciously I learned long ago (apparently) to put walls between myself and people around me.
Of course, I learned to do this because I felt judged and ridiculed by others, criticized for things I hadn’t expected to be criticized for, and wanted to avoid giving ammunition to those who were looking for ways to get at me. That much is obvious. What’s been more difficult is figuring out if that’s really the best way to operate as an adult and how to change it.
But I got to thinking the other day about the reasons that, despite my far more open and honest attitude now that I’ve done some deep self-development, I still keep myself pretty well shielded in many ways. And I realized that, at least in part, my adult self isn’t primarily scared of things trying to push past the walls.
Much of the time, deep down, I’m more scared that if I take the walls down I’ll find that nobody is interested in getting in at all, for good or bad.