At some point I’m going to actually elaborate on the whole numerological thing behind this, but to get to the point I’m just going to jump to the part where a new 9-year cycle in my journey started in 2023 — the year I finally got caught by Covid. I went into that year not quite knowing what to expect from the first year of the new cycle (as is always the case, really), only really knowing that it was the start of my sixth cycle (family, friends, and home) and that something would emerge in that year that would set the tone for the rest of the cycle.

I didn’t expect it to be getting completely sidelined by health stuff to the point that I abandonned pretty much every project I had going on and started completely rethinking big chunks of my worldview as it pertains to how I see my place and purpose in the world. On the other hand, I probably should have predicted something along those lines just knowing what 6 years usually mean for me.

The thing is, like I touched on in my last written blog entry, I’ve spent a long time – maybe my whole life, if I’m honest – chasing some kind of grand plan for me and my life. Ideas for businesses to start or books to write or careers to chase or whatever, always with a mind towards finding that way to make something big of myself. Not that I don’t enjoy the writing and creative projects I do – they always start as pure interest and inspiration and joy on my part, but there’s a little voice in the back of my head that likes to whisper, “You could turn that into a career, you know…”

I’ve done a lot of shadow work, purposeful and not, over the course of my path in the past two decades, and I’ve examined and confronted a lot of the little voices that like to pipe up and be unhelpful. But for some reason I never really questioned this one that much. Ambition is good, yeah?

And listen, I’m not here to tell anyone that they shouldn’t also be ambitious or have big goals.

But looking back on my 6 years, I can see a pattern of the universe forcefully shaking me out of some of my delusions and making me focus on my community and my home life, because I now realize I chase a lot of these things in the hopes that they’ll be some kind of way out. A fantasy escape from very real issues in my life. And the universe is right to shake me out of that. Not in the sense of, “Who are you to think you can do great things, you loser!” but more like, “Listen, you want success in the future? Get your shit together and stop pretending it will all go away if you come up with some cool new idea.”

Before 2023, I was on that ramp again, juggling half a dozen side hustle projects, dreaming of them taking off and being my main source of income and all that. So 2023 did what all my 6 years do, just on a bigger scale because it’s a whole 6 cycle, not just a 6 year. It knocked me out of the game. I suddenly found it hard to really accomplish anything at all, even just going through day to day life tasks. And by the time my stamina came back, the desire to hustle was gone. The voice was still there, though, and I realize now that it’s not some naturally ambitious part of myself trying to be heard, it’s just another remnant of my childhood. It’s the part of me that learned that if I want positive attention, I have to be achieving or excelling at something.

This is why I’m doing my zines – specifically zines that I’m giving away and not selling. I know that if I start thinking about selling them, I’m going to let them turn into something I don’t enjoy anymore, and I’m going to get discouraged if I start to feel like people aren’t interested in them. This is a spiritual exercise in ignoring that little voice and only listening to ones I trust.

Every single bit of divination for the past two years has told me that it’s not the right time to try and accomplish big things. (That’s a specific message for me, not a general one for the collective, btw) Maybe the time will come for doing things like re-releasing a witchier version of Deep Self Magic or publishing the other book ideas I have. Maybe someday I’ll be inspired to revive the podcast. I’m sure there’s plenty of other ideas I haven’t even had yet. But over and over again, everything tells me it’s not time. I’m supposed to focus on home and community now, and bide my time. To focus on my practice for personal reasons, to connect with my witchy community, to recenter my practice on what I need, not what I think I can offer.

I will say, though, that if I could put a message out to the collective, it would be that more people need to sit down and take a good hard look at the relationship they’ve cultivated between their own personal practice and the capitalist culture we live in. How much have we distorted and repurposed our practices for the sake of social media reach and engagement and profit? I wonder sometimes how many witches I see are actually doing any of their practice for themselves anymore.

Anyway, all that to say that the zines I’ve been making are a personal spiritual project for my own personal development. They aren’t about growing a following or making a profit or any of that, they’re just me doing what I like doing, and giving them away for free in defiance of that little voice that wants me to do otherwise. If nothing else, I’ll end up with a mountain of zines that will serve as a form of very comprehensive book of shadows for myself.

And if you read this far, if you want me to talk more about the numerology cycles thing, let me know. 🙂